What I enjoyed most planning my own wedding was that, I was planning an event, a special day to show & share the world and celebrate our love. It was an event filled with love and about love. All time spent to make sure every little detail is perfect. Nobody would probably realize it but me. Me, because I planned it! I thought of it. Now that I am already married and all, I miss the excitement I felt approaching my wedding day. The count downs, the cake testing(s) lol, the excitement I have putting on my wedding dress. Maybe I love love so much that I want to be in a wedding again. This time not a Bride but be a part of the wedding industry dedicated to make another couple’s very special day a little extra special.  The thing was which part?

You will find out. Soon enough, I promise =)))

This is the only time I actually realize how much clothes, shoes and bags I have. I was starring at one of my purse which is still sitting in the pretty brown box with a bow on it – have never been opened. When I told Hubster what I found, he gave me a dirty look and told me that he did not spend all that money for it to sit in the closet. I feel so “sah-yang” ma. Everytime “em seh tak” use then wait and wait and finally still sitting in the box lor…

Despite all the packing and all, I have to admit, I am in love with our new place. We now have an extra bedroom for friends which will also be my work room. Big girl already ma, no more “study room” but “work room.” I am currently contemplating on making it a little photo studio for me to practice on. I have found some lighting kits which is super affordable – and Hubster is ever willing to let me do whatever I want as long as it makes me happy. I might try to DIY the studio – it is amazing how many wonderful ideas there are on the internet. Wish me luck!

Today is actually the day where Hubster and his friends are moving the “big” stuffs to Irvine.  They are moving it as I am typing this post in a fully air conditioned break room in my office.  They are probably sweating like pigs -  stinko.  When I get off work today, we are heading to Ikea to pick up our new couch. I still cannot decide whether to get the dark brown or beige. I love beige but with 2 dogs, it can be seriously be disastrous. Hubster originally picked a dark grey one – but we decided against it as our two fur-babies are buff and cream colored, it wouldn’t be very appetizing to see a couch filled with furs. Well – we will figure that out when we get there. Maybe by then – we would have made up our minds.

*Something totally unrelated – I had a whole box of “Shat Kek Ma” – can you believe it?*

Ok – lunch is up and back to work!

I have been nicotine free for almost 1/2 of a month now. I am going to be buying me some new running shoes as I am going to start running in the mornings. I am no longer consuming fast food whenever I want, no more soft drinks but water. I love my coffee too much, so definitely cutting off coffee is equivalent to cutting off my life. I’m going to get more greens for our new home. I am gonna get me some pretty hydrangeas which is my favorite above it all. Thinking of some blue and white ones..

Another switch I’m going to be making is spending more time in my photography and seek new places with hubster. I bought several frames to fill them with my work. I am going to be shooting one of my friend’s workshop and paintings for him for advertorial purposes. I think this is going to be some good practice for me!

Also, I know I have been slacking off with the way I dress and carry myself lately. For some reason, I have been dressing a little sloppier, well a lot more. I have not been wearing my  heels that much and have not put on any makeup for the longest. It is time to switch that up. I am going to start dressing a little more professional as I have used to. I know that I should never forget to keep up with myself simply because I got married. Like the saying, “There are no ugly woman, only lazy ones!”

Cheers to a new beginning!

Can it mean that I am simply not happy at where I am right now?  At my age, why would there be such stress and such hatred for life? People talk about D-day. Part me of my believe that D-day may be a good things – end everybody’s miseries. I used to say, if given a chance, would I change things in the past; I’d say no in the past. Today, come to think of it, I actually would switch things around. In fact, a lot of it.

Right now, I feel like the world stopped around me. I can only hear myself breathing.. trying to scream but I can’t hear a sound.. As of today, anybody who speaks negatively on anything will just be told to shut up. I will not listen and I will not bother.

Enough said. I am simply just not happy.

On a different note, I noticed a lot of my friends started asking me if I am ready to start a family. In all honesty, if it happens, then it happens.  I am not planning to have a child until the next 4 years. I want us to be financially stable, have a house and have time to travel on our own before we take the next big step. I have to say, married life has been a bliss for me. It feels as though we are still dating at this point – which is a good thing. We have found our middle ground in our relationship. We become more understanding, more responsible towards our actions. I know most of my friends are either about to be engaged, are engaged, planning their wedding, wedding around the corner, married or married with kids. It is weird to see friends I’ve known since I was 14 years old married with a child. We are indeed getting old and it is about time that most of my friends finally settled down and start a family.

It is ungodly amazing how time flies. Things were much simpler when we were younger. I know when I was younger, I always wanted to be a grown up, making my own decisions and having my own place/ career. Now that I am older, I wish I was back in school and things weren’t so complicated. I mean, I was forced to take a nap by my mother on a daily basis. How nice is that? And I had the cheeks to pretend to be asleep because I hated naps. Now, I wish someone will force me to take a nap. Well, hubs do, but it is not the same

Enough ranting. All in all, I cannot wait to move to Irvine and be done with this place.

People make mistakes and everybody will pay a price for unwise decisions and choices made. I cannot deny that and I have made a huge mistake which took me a long time to actually feel good of myself. I was carrying a burden which was holding me down to the extent of breaking down on certain nights. Everything has been said and done, and I cannot blame anybody but myself. But I have to admit, this life experience changed my perception in things in life and made me realize a lot of things which I would never thought I would or see why. I have learned my lesson, paid the price and still paying.

Sitting here right now, I think back and still cannot comprehend how I can be so foolish and stupid. I should not dwell on the past but think of the future. I do not want to fall like this again. It is extremely stressful and very tiring. It sucks the energy off you. A Burden.

Now, I can hold my head a little higher and feel a little better.

Thank you Zach, for the times you have listened and all the talks we had. I love you and cannot thank you enough for being there for me.

<3

I found a way to be everything
I’ve dreamed of,
and I know it’s in me
that I will become
who I want to be
and I finally found it and I’m taking the long way out
Cause it’s gonna be, something special to me
Something special to me

Days go by
and I grow stronger
It takes time, but I’ll never let go
Days go by and I’ll try harder to make it mine, I know…
Something special to me
Something special to me
Something special to me

I’ve found
so many things
I’ve dreamed of
and I know it’s in me
that I will become
who I want to be
and I finally found it and I am taking the long way out
Cause it’s gonna be,
something special to me
Something special to me

Days go by and I grow stronger
It takes time, but I’ll never let go
Days go by and I’ll try harder to make it mine, I know…
It’s something special to me

More than I hoped for
More than I dreamed of
This is how it should be.
More than I hoped for
More than I dreamed of
This is how it should be.

Days go by and I’ll grow stronger
It takes time, but I’ll never let go
Days go by and I’ll try harder to make it mine, I know.

It’s something special to me
It’s something special to me
It’s something special to me
Days go by and I grow stronger
It takes time, but I will never let go.
Days go by and I grow stronger
It takes time, but I will never let go.

As for 2009, there are no busy weekends, meeting vendors and bridal shows to attend. Instead, I look forward for a quiet weekend with hubs, my pets and family. It can feel a little mundane at some point, watching DVDs and lazing around. I wish I can take off a week, say next week and head to Seattle or somewhere but in reality, I do not lead a life of the rich and famous which extends that passport to go anywhere and anytime.

I’m debating picking up either Japanese or French at this moment. I took Spanish two years ago and hated the language. I do not know what pulled me to pick it up anyways. It was a waste of my time and I am not certainly speaking Spanish to people. I am currently leaning towards French as I have always thought French was a really sophisticated language. It is no doubt the harder choice comparing Japanese and French. Hubs said he will take the class with me, whichever language I choose. J’aime mon mari! (I love my husband.)

Sigh. What a depressing day. Gloomy weather, tiredness & boredom.

I know not everything is a game and a comparison. I realize that there may be times where we need to have a clean slate. Funny how I do not believe in giving myself a clean slate in things. And if, I cannot even give myself that much, how am I able to give someone else that? The past is part of me. The past, transformed me and made me who I am today. There is no such thing at starting over. We move along but not start from scratch again.

For example, back in 1996 when I first came to Disneyland. Disneyland was everything I dreamed of. All I remembered was the rides, the colorful decoration, the music, mickey mouse and the parade. Now in 2009, after bringing friends to Disneyland one too many times, all my memories of it was merely the crazy line, overpriced food and merchandise and how tired my legs were. There isn’t one way that I can give Disneyland a clean slate. Even if my subconscious mind says yes, I grant myself that “clean slate,” it will never give me the same feeling as I once did in 1996.

I admit, I am all about learning new things, but I am also all about consistency. I have a good memory and I remember every words and every road I’ve since. Call it a photographic memory or whatever. How am I to forget how I have felt or seen in the past? I know when people is lying or in denial or any emotions they have. People are not as good as they would like to think themselves off. The face can tell you so much if you watch closely.

Not that it matters whatever I say, because how I act, actually lays on your hands. How I treat you is the reflection on how you treat me. How I speak to you is how you speak to me.